Helping The Battered Woman

Perhaps the most alarming statistic concerning battered women, is the estimate that one out of three women will be battered at some time in their life by a man who "loves" them.

I began working with battered women in 1973 at the request of the medical director at a mental health center in which I was employed.  I discovered quickly that there was little if any research on battered women during this time period.  Thus, the only thing to do was to begin exploring these issues first hand by beginning a battered women's group.  The first group was composed of eight young women with obvious physical injuries.  What was not so obvious were the psychological injuries.  When asked why they stayed in a relationship with a man who had injured them they all professed to love him.  That answer was not compatible with common sense.  Thus began a journey into the psyche of the battered woman in search of the answer to the question, "why?"  

Many theories have been proposed, ranging from the earliest psychoanalytic theory by Anna Freud involving "identification with the aggressor - out of fear and not love" to current social and reality focused issues such as economics, religious issues, and fear of retaliation.  All of these theories and social issues are clearly real and very true; however, I still found them to fall short of answering the critical question of "why?"  If a person were to look at all of the women who fall victim to battering, it is clear they will discover that some women were reared in warm and caring families, had many economic resources available, as well as support systems and strong academic credentials.  Why do these women still remain in abusive relationships?  

I discovered, in studying prisoner of war research, a method of brain washing that proved to be very enlightening.  Upon further exploration, I isolated five variables to accomplish the objective of brainwashing American prisoners of war:  (1) fear, (2) isolation, (3) poverty, (4) interrogation, and (5) propaganda.  No human being can be brainwashed without the first variable - fear.  This was easily accomplished by any type of physical punishment.  The second variable was also easily accomplished by isolating the soldier, as camaraderie would provide ego enhancing opportunities and reality checks.  The third variable was accomplished by withholding any monetary goods as this represented a form of power, e.g., cigarettes could be exchanged for favors which represented at least an illusion of having some control.  The fourth variable involved interrogation which destroyed confidence, and never communication which would enhance self-esteem.  The fifth variable involved propaganda designed to enhance the captor's point of view and humiliate the captive.

It became increasingly clear to me that the batterer, although not familiar with this type of research, was using the same psychological warfare.  He developed fear in the woman, generally by hitting her; isolated her by trying to convince her that her friends were bad for her; kept a strong reign on the money; interrogated her as to her whereabouts; and humiliated her by trying to convince her she was not worthy and he was so much better.  The woman eventually becomes brainwashed.  Cycles of violence continue with the hope that he will change; however, despite desperate pleas from loved ones, she seems even more trapped.  

Help for the battered woman begins with the personal insight into this brainwashing scheme, portrayed so frequently by charming men.  The battered woman needs to seriously ask herself, "does my partner raise my self-esteem or does he lower my self-esteem?"  Good men who have the capacity for love, never lower a woman's self-esteem through power and control tactics.  They seek to raise and affirm their partner's confidence through mutual respect.  Seeking the services of an experienced therapist to explore whether or not one is a battered woman, should not be considered a weakness, but rather an opportunity for self-growth and inner freedom.  

In my next blog, I will explore the spiritual dynamics of staying with an abuser.  Does the average minister encourage a wife to stay with an abusing husband?  Does the Scriptures say a wife must remain loyal to her husband regardless of circumstances, e.g., unconditional love, "in sickness and in health, in poverty and wealth, until death does separate us?"  

It has been 40 years since I first got involved with battered women.    In 40 years, nothing has changed.    

A Prayer For The Very Weary

Every once in a while I will find a prayer that will touch my heart. If you have ever helped a loved one with pain they are going through, this will resonate throughout your soul.

This was written by Grace Noll Crowell.


"Dear Child, God does not say today, 'Be strong!'
He knows your strength is spent;  
He knows how long the road has been,
How weary you have grown,
For He who walked the earthly roads alone,
Each bogging lowland, and each long steep hill,
Can understand, and so he says, 
'Be still and know that I am God.'
The hour is late, and you must rest awhile,
And you must wait
Until life's empty reservoirs fill up
As slow rain fills an empty, upturned cup,
Hold up your cup, dear child, for God to fill,
He only asks today that you be still."

If you have a favorite prayer that you would like to share, please let me know.  

Touching Lives We May Never Know

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord."    I Corinthians 15:58

Do you ever wonder if what you do is significant?  Will anything you do ever make a real difference in the work of the Lord?  Perhaps the story of Elias Kimball can give us hope.  Elias was a Sunday School teacher who worked with a class of young men in Boston.  In 1858, Elias felt the tugging of the Holy Spirit move him to share his faith with a young shoe salesman he knew.  At first, he was hesitant to do so, but finally went into the shoe store and shared his faith with him.  As a result, the young shoe salesman prayed and received Christ that day.  The shoe salesman's name was Dwight L. Moody who went on to become the greatest evangelist of his generation.  Dwight Moody moved to Chicago where he started a Sunday School work among children that would eventually lead to the Moody Bible Institute.

In 1879, Moody went to England to lead an evangelistic crusade.  At first, the British clergy found his sermons too overly emotional. One minister in particular, F.B. Meyer was very critical of him until a lady from his church convinced him that Moody was truly a great minister.  Meyer decided to give him another chance and was won over by his dynamic preaching.  Meyer was so influenced by Moody that he became a traveling evangelist.

Years late while preaching in America, Meyer was approached by a young minister named J. Wilbur Chapman who was so discouraged he was ready to resign.  Meyer counseled him and Chapman regained his faith and began a career as an evangelist in the early 20th century.  Before long, Chapman knew he would need an assistant and recruited a highly motivated but largely uneducated former professional baseball player.  This ball player was Billy Sunday who would go on to win over one million people to the Lord.

In 1924, Billy Sunday was preaching a crusade in Charlotte, North Carolina.  It changed the city.  One result was a group of young men who were so moved that they started a small prayer group.  That prayer group continued to pray for years and during the midst of the Great Depression they felt a strong need for Charlotte to have another great revival.  In 1934, they recruited a man named Mordecai Hamm to preach the crusade.  During the last night of the Crusade, under the big tent, one tall, lanky young man walked up the aisle to receive Christ.  That man's name was William Franklin Graham or Billy as millions around the world would soon know him.  Billy Graham would go on to become the greatest evangelist the world has ever known.

As you think of this story, which person do you think was the most important?  Graham?  Sunday?  They clearly are the most familiar.  However, in a sense, perhaps the most important was a humble, everyday, Sunday School teacher named Elias Kimball.  Most of us will never be a Billy Graham or Billy Sunday.  But you could be an Elias Kimball.  You could be a humble, faithful servant whose name few may remember, but a future harvest of your labors might forever change the world.  

The Authority of Scripture

In August of 1949, Billy Graham was on the verge of making a decision of whether or not to begin his evangelistic crusades which would ultimately make him the most well known evangelist in America.  However, he had to struggle with his personal doubts about whether the Bible was completely true or not.  In his autobiography, "Just As I Am" he said these words one evening, "I had no doubts concerning the deity of Jesus Christ or the validity of the Gospel, but was the Bible completely true?  As that night wore on, my heart became heavily burdened.  Could I trust the Bible?  If I could not trust the Bible, I could not go on.  I would have to leave pulpit evangelism.  I was thirty years of age.  It was not too late to become a dairy farmer.  But that night I believed with all my heart that the God who had saved my soul would never let go of me.  I got up and took a walk . . . dropping to my knees there in the woods, I opened the Bible at random on a tree stump in front of me . . . the exact wording of my prayer is beyond recall, but it must have echoed my thoughts:  'O God!  There are many things in this book I do not understand.  There are many problems with it for which I have no solution.' 

I was trying to be on the level with God, but something remained unspoken.  At last the Holy Spirit freed me to say it.  'Father, I am going to accept this as Thy Word - by faith!  I'm going to allow faith to go beyond my intellectual questions and doubts, and I will believe this to be Your inspired Word.'  When I got up from my knees at Forest Home that August night, my eyes stung with tears.  I sensed the presence and power of God as I had not sensed it in months.  Not all my questions were answered, but a major bridge had been crossed.  In my heart and mind, I knew a spiritual battle in my soul had been fought and won."

This was the turning point for Billy Graham.  From that moment on he could preach the Word of God with power and authority.  Billy Graham's favorite expression was, "the Bible says."  He didn't defend or apologize for the Bible, he just presented it.

The Bible is the word of God.  It is not the word of human beings.  II Timothy 3:16 tells us, "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness."  The Greek word here for inspiration means literally, "inbreathed by God" and has a direct connection to the Holy Spirit.  This means that the Holy Spirit was the One influencing the human beings who wrote the different books of the Bible.  Psalm 119:160 states, "The entirety of your word is 
truth . . . " John 6:63 tells us, "It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing.  The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life."

Have you ever had your Billy Graham moment when you wrestled within your soul about the truth of the Bible?