Helping The Battered Woman

Perhaps the most alarming statistic concerning battered women, is the estimate that one out of three women will be battered at some time in their life by a man who "loves" them.

I began working with battered women in 1973 at the request of the medical director at a mental health center in which I was employed.  I discovered quickly that there was little if any research on battered women during this time period.  Thus, the only thing to do was to begin exploring these issues first hand by beginning a battered women's group.  The first group was composed of eight young women with obvious physical injuries.  What was not so obvious were the psychological injuries.  When asked why they stayed in a relationship with a man who had injured them they all professed to love him.  That answer was not compatible with common sense.  Thus began a journey into the psyche of the battered woman in search of the answer to the question, "why?"  

Many theories have been proposed, ranging from the earliest psychoanalytic theory by Anna Freud involving "identification with the aggressor - out of fear and not love" to current social and reality focused issues such as economics, religious issues, and fear of retaliation.  All of these theories and social issues are clearly real and very true; however, I still found them to fall short of answering the critical question of "why?"  If a person were to look at all of the women who fall victim to battering, it is clear they will discover that some women were reared in warm and caring families, had many economic resources available, as well as support systems and strong academic credentials.  Why do these women still remain in abusive relationships?  

I discovered, in studying prisoner of war research, a method of brain washing that proved to be very enlightening.  Upon further exploration, I isolated five variables to accomplish the objective of brainwashing American prisoners of war:  (1) fear, (2) isolation, (3) poverty, (4) interrogation, and (5) propaganda.  No human being can be brainwashed without the first variable - fear.  This was easily accomplished by any type of physical punishment.  The second variable was also easily accomplished by isolating the soldier, as camaraderie would provide ego enhancing opportunities and reality checks.  The third variable was accomplished by withholding any monetary goods as this represented a form of power, e.g., cigarettes could be exchanged for favors which represented at least an illusion of having some control.  The fourth variable involved interrogation which destroyed confidence, and never communication which would enhance self-esteem.  The fifth variable involved propaganda designed to enhance the captor's point of view and humiliate the captive.

It became increasingly clear to me that the batterer, although not familiar with this type of research, was using the same psychological warfare.  He developed fear in the woman, generally by hitting her; isolated her by trying to convince her that her friends were bad for her; kept a strong reign on the money; interrogated her as to her whereabouts; and humiliated her by trying to convince her she was not worthy and he was so much better.  The woman eventually becomes brainwashed.  Cycles of violence continue with the hope that he will change; however, despite desperate pleas from loved ones, she seems even more trapped.  

Help for the battered woman begins with the personal insight into this brainwashing scheme, portrayed so frequently by charming men.  The battered woman needs to seriously ask herself, "does my partner raise my self-esteem or does he lower my self-esteem?"  Good men who have the capacity for love, never lower a woman's self-esteem through power and control tactics.  They seek to raise and affirm their partner's confidence through mutual respect.  Seeking the services of an experienced therapist to explore whether or not one is a battered woman, should not be considered a weakness, but rather an opportunity for self-growth and inner freedom.  

In my next blog, I will explore the spiritual dynamics of staying with an abuser.  Does the average minister encourage a wife to stay with an abusing husband?  Does the Scriptures say a wife must remain loyal to her husband regardless of circumstances, e.g., unconditional love, "in sickness and in health, in poverty and wealth, until death does separate us?"  

It has been 40 years since I first got involved with battered women.    In 40 years, nothing has changed.