As hard as it is to imagine, not much has helped in the past 40 years in regard to helping women who suffer from domestic violence. Not only has domestic violence gone up, it is pandemic.
The United States Office on Violence against Women (OVW) claim that a woman is assaulted or beaten every nine seconds. It is the leading cause of injury to women in America. Three women die at the hands of an abuser every day.
I began working with battered women in1973 at the request of the medical director of the clinic I worked for as a young staff psychologist. I discovered very quickly there was very little research on battered women during this time period. Thus, the only thing to do was to begin exploring these issues first hand by beginning a battered women's group. The first group was composed of eight young women with obvious physical injuries. What was not so obvious were the psychological injuries. When asked why they stayed in a relationship with a man who had injured them they all professed to love him. That answer was not compatible with common sense. Thus began a journey into the psyche of the battered woman in search of the answer to the question, "why?"
Many theories have been proposed, ranging from the earliest psychoanalytic theory by Anna Freud involving "identification with the aggressor - out of fear and not love" to social and reality focused issues such as economics, religious issues, and fear of retaliation. All of these theories and social issues are real and true; however, I still found them to fall short of answering the critical question of "why?" It affected women from every range of life.
I discovered, in studying prisoner of war research, a method of brain washing that proved to be very enlightening. Upon further exploration, I isolated five variables to accomplish the objective of brainwashing American prisoners of war. (1) fear, (2) isolation, (3) poverty, (4) interrogation, and (5) propaganda. No human being can be brainwashed without the first variable - fear. This was easily accomplished by any type of physical punishment. The second variable was also easily accomplished by isolating the soldier, as camaraderie would provide ego enhancing opportunities and reality checks. The third variable was accomplished by withholding any monetary goods as this represented a form of power; e.g., cigarettes could be exchanged for favors which represented at least an illusion of having some control. The fourth variable involved interrogation which destroyed confidence, and never communication which would enhance self-esteem. The fifth variable involved propaganda designed to enhance the captor's point of view and humiliate the captive.
It became increasingly clear to me that the batterer, although not familiar with this type of research, was using the same psychological warfare. He developed fear in the woman, generally by hitting her; isolated her by trying to convince her that her friends were bad for her; kept a strong reign on the money; interrogated her as to her whereabouts; and humiliated her by trying to convince her she was not worthy and he was so much better. The woman eventually becomes brainwashed. Cycles of violence continue with the hope that he will change; however, despite desperate pleas from loved ones, the woman seems even more trapped. I believed this answered the "why?" question.
The type of man who does this would fill another column but suffice it say the typical abuser has sociopathic and strong narcissistic features. His love is possessive as he lacks the capacity to give and receive love.
Every woman needs to ask herself this question, "Does my partner raise my self-esteem or does he lower my self-esteem?" Good men who have the capacity for love, never lower a woman's self-esteem through power and control tactics. They seek to raise and affirm their partner's confidence through mutual respect.
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