"To be, or not to be, that is the question" is the famous opening phrase in the "Nunnery Scene" of William Shakespeare's play, Hamlet. But what is Shakespeare talking about? What does he really mean when he says "To be or not to be?" It is amazing that so many people do not understand this famous saying.
It is now Christmas and there are people throughout the world who are seriously contemplating this question. Instead of being happy for celebrating the birth of our Savior, there are those who now question the very purpose of living. Those who contemplate the loss of loved ones, or severe financial and medical difficulties, or marital and family crises, and many other reasons. The question takes center stage in their mind. "To be or not to be?"
Shakespeare's Prince Hamlet is contemplating suicide. He wants the pain to stop. And so do some people this Christmas season. But what is the pain? What is it that hurts so much that suicide seems the only way out?
There are many reasons for suicide. Some are well planned and make sense to the person contemplating it. For example, the elderly have the highest suicide rate, much higher than young people. When an elderly man who has Alzheimer's Disease and feels that he is going to be a tremendous financial and emotional burden to his wife and family, he spends a great deal of time thinking about the question, "To be, or not to be." It is not an impulsive situation. He believes he knows exactly what he is doing. We just need to remember Dr. Jack Kevorkian in his work as a euthanasia activist to assist people with suicide to understand his reasoning.
We can understand too well the number of young people who are impulsive and attempt suicide with little thought about it. The boy whose girl friend has just "dumped" him. The teenage girl who was so humiliated with seeing the naked picture of herself she gave to her boy friend plastered all over Facebook, and many more. We don't condone or approve of any of this but we can understand it. We have to stop the pain.
As such, I would like to address men in this column. The key word is "relationship." In a church setting, there are always more women than men in church. More women than men in the choir. More women going to college than men. More women than men are ordained in main line churches. When I was in graduate school as a young man studying psychology, the majority of the class was men. Today, almost eighty percent of psychologists are now women, and other professional fields which were once dominated by men are now being taken over by women. If you are a woman this may be a good thing, but the point is this: "Where are the men?" This, we don't understand. What's happening to men?
In American culture, masculine roles continue to evolve. With 35% of children in America being reared without a father in the home, there is going to be financial, social and emotional consequences; however, the ramifications of this transformation is for another column. My main concern in this column is "relationships" and the lack thereof. In general, girls have traditionally been reared to be home makers, e.g., the toys they play with are different from boys as seen by dolls, stoves, etc. Boys toys range from action hero type toys, to sports, to cars, to guns, etc. (These stereotypes may be changing in todays current world for better or for worse.) The main argument I wish to focus on is this: the average male has been culturally reared to equate feelings with weakness, whether consciously or unconsciously. To show feelings implies vulnerability. In other words, men tend to keep their most vulnerable feelings to themselves. This is an American tragedy.
Here are some current statistics that may shed light on this discussion. In his latest book, "Lonely at the Top," Dr. Thomas Joiner points out that approximately 30,000 people commit suicide every year in America and 80% of them are men. Males kill themselves 4 times more than females. The suicide rate among the age group of 20-24 is more than 5 times higher for males than females. In the older age groups suicide is predominantly a "male problem." After retirement for men the "suicide rate skyrockets for men, but not for women. " Check these stats out: Between 65-74, males commit suicide more than 6 times higher than females. Between the ages of 75-84, the suicide rate is 7 times higher, and for those over 85, it is nearly 18 times higher for men than women.
As I mentioned in the beginning. People want the pain to stop. Along side pain is the feeling of hopelessness. For many men its a feeling of, "who really cares?" The Golden Gate Bridge has notoriously been famous for suicide jumps. Here is one example. A man left a note as he walked across the bridge. It said, "If one person smiles at me, I won't kill myself." The note was found after he had jumped to his death. Although women commit suicide also, the key difference, I believe, is that women know how to live in relationships and can share their pain with friends. This is crucial.
I believe the antidote to suicide for men is found in relationships. But that means for men to allow themselves to be vulnerable, to allow others to really know who they are, not what they try to project. Remove the mask. Who are you? So many men feel that if people really knew who they were they would be rejected. That is incorrect. The saddest part is that people can go to church for 30 years and not really know the people they serve on committees with, much less the person in the next pew.
The reason that the "Promises Keepers" was so successful years ago was because it allowed and encouraged men to enter into relationships with other men with the hope that it would generalize to meaningful relationships with everyone.
The early church began with a group of men. Twelve to be exact who would meet together, share joys and concerns together, worship together, and allow the Holy Spirit to guide them into changing the entire world. They learned to "get outside of themselves" and through prayer and fellowship with each other and the Lord, they found meaning and purpose in their own lives.
I believe this is a blue print for how we are to live our lives today. I believe that everyone who attends church should try to become involved in a small group where you can make friends, learn the Bible and further the Great Commission. At Branson Christian Church, I encourage you to attend any one of our four Bible study groups which is open to anyone. The latest one will be "The Foundations of the Bible" beginning January 8th. (See complete description on this Blog: 10-28-13). Also, a new Men's Ministry begins on January 25th from 9:00 to 10:30 at the church. This will be a great group to attend to make real relationships and further your life journey.
The Eagles hit song, "Desperado," another great song that once again, is amazingly misinterpreted, (majority of folks believe it is about a young man who rejects love - absolutely wrong - it is about a young man who longs for love.) It's closing lines gives a great warning to men, " . . . your prison is walking through this world all alone . . . you better let somebody love you, you better let somebody love you, you better let somebody love you, before it's too late."
